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Apr. 22nd, 2010 08:52 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
person4I suspect that this is probably going to go down as my worst birthday ever, though it's still near the start.
Yesterday I found out that after getting a new round of CT scans her doctor canceled the chemotherapy she was scheduled to have this week and told her he'd be getting in touch with hospice for her. Now I keep bouncing back and forth between feeling sick to my stomach and weepy, instead of any "Whee, birthday!" happiness.
I thought I had myself braced for this after looking up average life expectancies of people in her condition last fall and seeing how bad the numbers are, but I guess that's the difference between seeing the averages and knowing that sometimes people can do much better than that and reaching the point where the doctor essentially says "we've reached the point where there's nothing left to do but make her comfortable." And it feels crazy, because for all appearances she doesn't seem any worse than she did months ago when her doctor seemed hopeful about her treatment (and she's said that she doesn't feel like she's dying, though I supposed she'd have no way to know what that would feel like), and just two chemo sessions ago they told her that her numbers for everything except her blood cell counts were looking great. Since she hasn't given up on fighting yet we'll be looking into whether her doctor would be willing to continue treating her or if we can find someone else who would, but it's still one hell of a blow.
And it's awful to think about how ten years ago things were as great for her as they'd ever been in her life, but ever since then life's just been beating her down with one awful thing after another, and for its closing number it's killing her in her early fifties.
After every bad thing that happened to her she's always say that God gives people trials but once you've endured them he'll give you something good in your life to make up for it. Even though I've never had faith in God myself it still broke my heart last week when, after an especially trying day, that changed to her breaking down and saying that it just wasn't fair that God made some people suffer so much more than others.
Yesterday I found out that after getting a new round of CT scans her doctor canceled the chemotherapy she was scheduled to have this week and told her he'd be getting in touch with hospice for her. Now I keep bouncing back and forth between feeling sick to my stomach and weepy, instead of any "Whee, birthday!" happiness.
I thought I had myself braced for this after looking up average life expectancies of people in her condition last fall and seeing how bad the numbers are, but I guess that's the difference between seeing the averages and knowing that sometimes people can do much better than that and reaching the point where the doctor essentially says "we've reached the point where there's nothing left to do but make her comfortable." And it feels crazy, because for all appearances she doesn't seem any worse than she did months ago when her doctor seemed hopeful about her treatment (and she's said that she doesn't feel like she's dying, though I supposed she'd have no way to know what that would feel like), and just two chemo sessions ago they told her that her numbers for everything except her blood cell counts were looking great. Since she hasn't given up on fighting yet we'll be looking into whether her doctor would be willing to continue treating her or if we can find someone else who would, but it's still one hell of a blow.
And it's awful to think about how ten years ago things were as great for her as they'd ever been in her life, but ever since then life's just been beating her down with one awful thing after another, and for its closing number it's killing her in her early fifties.
After every bad thing that happened to her she's always say that God gives people trials but once you've endured them he'll give you something good in your life to make up for it. Even though I've never had faith in God myself it still broke my heart last week when, after an especially trying day, that changed to her breaking down and saying that it just wasn't fair that God made some people suffer so much more than others.