(no subject)
Jun. 25th, 2010 06:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
person4My mom is really dying now. Not that she wasn't "really" dying before, but up until just a few days ago even though she seemed sick she didn't seem like she was dying. It didn't seem that way to her either; up until the last time she talked about it she was still firmly set to "denial" mode, talking about things like how it was just a matter of time until she's strong enough to get off hospice and back on chemo. I don't know if she still thinks like that or not, since she hasn't been awake enough to talk for the past couple of days.
There's a lot of things that my brothers and I need to get done soon that we kept putting off. It always felt like she wasn't that weak yet, so we still had plenty of time. But I think really her fate was pretty much sealed when she broke her arm at the beginning of the month; she always seemed at her best when she could get up and move around some, and with her leg gone and her arm in pain every time anyone tried shifting her there was no way to do that.
The strangest thing about all this is how the cliches you always hear really do turn out to be true. Like how stupid little things will get to you; one of the things that keeps hitting me over and over again is how she's not going to see the winner of some of her reality shows. I don't think she's ever met a reality show she didn't like, from ones that are generally well-accepted like Survivor or Project Runway to complete trash like Rock of Love, and ever since I realized that she was inevitably going to leave some unfinished I've been ticking them down in my head every time she reaches a finale. "Okay, she's made it through The Amazing Race. She's made it through The Apprentice. And Survivor, and Top Chef Masters..." Now it looks like The Bachelorette and Hell's Kitchen and normal Top Chef will be the ones she leaves during, and maybe it's better the they're all right near the beginning so she isn't too connected to them yet, but she'd already formed a favorite in the first new episode of Top Chef and now I'm tearing up again. I'll probably burst into tears the first time I see a commercial for the next season of Survivor after she's gone. On a normal day to day basis I'm usually holding up fine, at least as much as I can given the circumstances, then something little and stupid like that will sudden slam into my brain like a freight train and wreck me.
There's a lot of things that my brothers and I need to get done soon that we kept putting off. It always felt like she wasn't that weak yet, so we still had plenty of time. But I think really her fate was pretty much sealed when she broke her arm at the beginning of the month; she always seemed at her best when she could get up and move around some, and with her leg gone and her arm in pain every time anyone tried shifting her there was no way to do that.
The strangest thing about all this is how the cliches you always hear really do turn out to be true. Like how stupid little things will get to you; one of the things that keeps hitting me over and over again is how she's not going to see the winner of some of her reality shows. I don't think she's ever met a reality show she didn't like, from ones that are generally well-accepted like Survivor or Project Runway to complete trash like Rock of Love, and ever since I realized that she was inevitably going to leave some unfinished I've been ticking them down in my head every time she reaches a finale. "Okay, she's made it through The Amazing Race. She's made it through The Apprentice. And Survivor, and Top Chef Masters..." Now it looks like The Bachelorette and Hell's Kitchen and normal Top Chef will be the ones she leaves during, and maybe it's better the they're all right near the beginning so she isn't too connected to them yet, but she'd already formed a favorite in the first new episode of Top Chef and now I'm tearing up again. I'll probably burst into tears the first time I see a commercial for the next season of Survivor after she's gone. On a normal day to day basis I'm usually holding up fine, at least as much as I can given the circumstances, then something little and stupid like that will sudden slam into my brain like a freight train and wreck me.