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Sep. 15th, 2010 02:37 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
person4I just realized the other day that at the end of this month my mom will have been dead for as long as she was in the hospital last winter. It's so bizarre, because it feels like hardly any time has gone by since she died but the months in the hospital just seemed to drag on and on. I pretty much lived there with her through her stay (mid-October to mid-January), usually there for four days/three nights at a time then going home for a couple of days on the fourth night.
I still need to get a new job now that she's gone. Unfortunately I live in Michigan, so... yeah. For the first time since I was a teenager in my 'As soon as I'm an adult I'm moving as far away as I can get!' phase I really wish that I could move away, head somewhere with more of a future, but that's just not possible since I have no savings left after this past year (I really should have applied for caretaker funds once she was approved for social security disability so I'd at least have a little, but she was only on it for two months before she died so it wouldn't have come to much anyway). I could move down to rural Kentucky to live with my dad until I could save up enough to get my own place, but I wouldn't exactly call that a great leap forward.
At this point I'm thinking about trying to get back to school in the spring semester if I can get the financial aid for it. Hopefully I'll have found a job before then, even if it's just through the holiday sales rush, but whether I do or not it would at least give me a direction to point my life in instead of going on being as aimless as I've felt since the day my mom entered the hospital. Schoolcraft College is supposed to have a great culinary program and is within driving distance of where I'm living.
Blarg, I always hate talking about real life concerns like this. When I first started using the internet back when I was eleven ('94) I used to lie all the time about how miserable my life was because everyone was so much older and more interesting-seeming than me and that was the only thing I could think of to make my life sound interesting. When I grew out of it after a few years I felt so guilty about how wee prepubescent me had lied left and right to people I considered friends that ever since I've shied away from almost ever commenting about things that really are bad in my life because I'm afraid of ever falling back into those bad habits.
(Which'd be why I only ever made the rare vague post about exactly what was going on with my mom. One day I really should write up the whole story, both to clear out my own head about it all and to make all those vague posts fit together into a whole that makes sense.)
Her birthday's a week from today (what should have been her fifty-third), and I have no idea what I'm going to do for it. Even though her ashes are sitting on a coffee table in the living room it still feels like she's just gone on a long trip somewhere and isn't really gone forever. It's already been much longer than I've ever gone without seeing her for a least a few minutes in my entire life, and it's hard to believe that the amount's just going to stretch out further and further until the day I die.
I still need to get a new job now that she's gone. Unfortunately I live in Michigan, so... yeah. For the first time since I was a teenager in my 'As soon as I'm an adult I'm moving as far away as I can get!' phase I really wish that I could move away, head somewhere with more of a future, but that's just not possible since I have no savings left after this past year (I really should have applied for caretaker funds once she was approved for social security disability so I'd at least have a little, but she was only on it for two months before she died so it wouldn't have come to much anyway). I could move down to rural Kentucky to live with my dad until I could save up enough to get my own place, but I wouldn't exactly call that a great leap forward.
At this point I'm thinking about trying to get back to school in the spring semester if I can get the financial aid for it. Hopefully I'll have found a job before then, even if it's just through the holiday sales rush, but whether I do or not it would at least give me a direction to point my life in instead of going on being as aimless as I've felt since the day my mom entered the hospital. Schoolcraft College is supposed to have a great culinary program and is within driving distance of where I'm living.
Blarg, I always hate talking about real life concerns like this. When I first started using the internet back when I was eleven ('94) I used to lie all the time about how miserable my life was because everyone was so much older and more interesting-seeming than me and that was the only thing I could think of to make my life sound interesting. When I grew out of it after a few years I felt so guilty about how wee prepubescent me had lied left and right to people I considered friends that ever since I've shied away from almost ever commenting about things that really are bad in my life because I'm afraid of ever falling back into those bad habits.
(Which'd be why I only ever made the rare vague post about exactly what was going on with my mom. One day I really should write up the whole story, both to clear out my own head about it all and to make all those vague posts fit together into a whole that makes sense.)
Her birthday's a week from today (what should have been her fifty-third), and I have no idea what I'm going to do for it. Even though her ashes are sitting on a coffee table in the living room it still feels like she's just gone on a long trip somewhere and isn't really gone forever. It's already been much longer than I've ever gone without seeing her for a least a few minutes in my entire life, and it's hard to believe that the amount's just going to stretch out further and further until the day I die.