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Jan. 6th, 2011 10:05 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
person4Man, minds are weird things. Recently I've finally started feeling happier and more like myself again for the first time since my mom died (that's not even right, for the first time since October 2009, when all this really started).
At the same time, recently I've started crying a lot more often. Before this past month I think I only cried for her twice since she died, once on the day it happened and once at her funeral. Even the eight months before that only added a few more times; once the day she was diagnosed and two or three times on the day her leg was amputated. But since the beginning of December I've cried more than all those times put together. I even just ended a crying jag brought on by the news telling me about a new antibiotic treatment for irritable bowel syndrome making me think that if it had just been discovered a few years earlier she would have tried it and the lack of results might have made her stop convincing herself and everyone around her (with her fuckhead doctor's agreement; she wasn't just self-diagnosing or anything) that she just had IBS and found the real problem in time to save her life. Or even just her leg, which would have had a huge impact on her quality of life while she was dying.
I think I've just kind of been in a low-scale state of shock for all this time, and now that I'm finally breaking out of it and feeling better it's also broken through the numbed-brainness that kept me from reacting as strongly as I otherwise would have at the time and all those tears are finally getting out.
(And don't worry, in spite of all the tears I really am feeling much better lately. Both the biggest sign of it and the biggest mood-lifter is that I've finally started to be able to write without having to force it again, when I haven't been able to since around her birthday.)
Speaking of writing! Man, I'm late with this.
I got three stories for![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
yuletide this year! This is the first time that I've ever gotten treats on top of my main story, and it was so exciting to see the other ones show up after the first.
I got two Ladd/Chane Baccano! fics, which is a pairing that I've craved and craved (though I don't really blame the fandom for not providing it; Ladd is a nasty man and I can understand people not wanting to inflict him on Chane): Redwing by Rhea and Ladd Russo finds new motivation for killing many and maiming many by xiuxi.
And then, I'm so glad I made a last minute switch in my sign-up to request V/Haley Order of the Stick fic (a pairing that I've loved even longer than the last), because I also got Zone of Truth or Dare by Nary!
I only wrote two stories for the exchange myself this year, which feels kind of strange but I already mentioned how out of my writing groove I've been. They are Perks, a Agatha/Gil/Tarvek Girl Genius story, and A New Sensation, a Planescape: Torment story focusing on Fall-From-Grace during her early years in Sigil (which stands out as being the story that finally really got the words flowing again).
The was alsogift_homestuck. I got the fic Fuss by Farla, who gave me the look at Vriska and her lusus post-prototyping that I've been waiting for.
I wrote two stories for this one, my assignment and a pinch hit, then I also made a fanart treat for an artist who went above and beyond the call of duty by filling all of their recipient's requests. Those are the John/Karkat fic Thoughts and Confusion, and gen Jack and Karkat story The Language of Violence and a Pokemon-Homestuck fusion fanart, Gonna 8e the Very 8est.
At the same time, recently I've started crying a lot more often. Before this past month I think I only cried for her twice since she died, once on the day it happened and once at her funeral. Even the eight months before that only added a few more times; once the day she was diagnosed and two or three times on the day her leg was amputated. But since the beginning of December I've cried more than all those times put together. I even just ended a crying jag brought on by the news telling me about a new antibiotic treatment for irritable bowel syndrome making me think that if it had just been discovered a few years earlier she would have tried it and the lack of results might have made her stop convincing herself and everyone around her (with her fuckhead doctor's agreement; she wasn't just self-diagnosing or anything) that she just had IBS and found the real problem in time to save her life. Or even just her leg, which would have had a huge impact on her quality of life while she was dying.
I think I've just kind of been in a low-scale state of shock for all this time, and now that I'm finally breaking out of it and feeling better it's also broken through the numbed-brainness that kept me from reacting as strongly as I otherwise would have at the time and all those tears are finally getting out.
(And don't worry, in spite of all the tears I really am feeling much better lately. Both the biggest sign of it and the biggest mood-lifter is that I've finally started to be able to write without having to force it again, when I haven't been able to since around her birthday.)
Speaking of writing! Man, I'm late with this.
I got three stories for
yuletide this year! This is the first time that I've ever gotten treats on top of my main story, and it was so exciting to see the other ones show up after the first.I got two Ladd/Chane Baccano! fics, which is a pairing that I've craved and craved (though I don't really blame the fandom for not providing it; Ladd is a nasty man and I can understand people not wanting to inflict him on Chane): Redwing by Rhea and Ladd Russo finds new motivation for killing many and maiming many by xiuxi.
And then, I'm so glad I made a last minute switch in my sign-up to request V/Haley Order of the Stick fic (a pairing that I've loved even longer than the last), because I also got Zone of Truth or Dare by Nary!
I only wrote two stories for the exchange myself this year, which feels kind of strange but I already mentioned how out of my writing groove I've been. They are Perks, a Agatha/Gil/Tarvek Girl Genius story, and A New Sensation, a Planescape: Torment story focusing on Fall-From-Grace during her early years in Sigil (which stands out as being the story that finally really got the words flowing again).
The was also
gift_homestuck. I got the fic Fuss by Farla, who gave me the look at Vriska and her lusus post-prototyping that I've been waiting for.I wrote two stories for this one, my assignment and a pinch hit, then I also made a fanart treat for an artist who went above and beyond the call of duty by filling all of their recipient's requests. Those are the John/Karkat fic Thoughts and Confusion, and gen Jack and Karkat story The Language of Violence and a Pokemon-Homestuck fusion fanart, Gonna 8e the Very 8est.